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Thursday, February 02, 2017

Order Now! Time Is Running Out!

As is human nature, when we lose someone close to us, we begin to take stock of our lives - where we are, what we're doing, and what really matters. In my teens, this meant clinging to minutiae and diving headlong into distraction. Now that I'm older, a still no wiser for the wear, it's about passion. I have quite a few, some of which are even allowed in most stated of the Union. It's accounting for the other things - those little things that use up my time, and what can be dropped from the list.

There is writing. Writing has always been my passion, and only recently has it become a means to keep the lights on and a roof over our heads. For the majority of my life, writing was why I needed other jobs. It was the reason I worked. When asked what I did, my response would usually be, "What do I do, or what do I do to pay the bills?"

It's become a bit of both, lately, but getting soured on writing isn't going to happen in the foreseeable future. Writing, even for those projects I dislike, is how I synthesize the concepts and world around me. If you asked me three years ago how loans work, my response would be that you receive finite money, accompanied with greater debt. Now, because of my job, I can comfortably navigate various loan structures. A similar thing happened just prior to this job, when I was writing technical articles on digital cameras. Before that, it was networking systems. The list goes on, and I would never have chosen to research any of these topics on my own, but because I "make words go," I've ended up learning quite a bit, and maybe someday it will be applicable. Writing for myself is something I would like to do again, beyond this blog which gets updated tri-whimsically.

There is music. Music has always been an integral part of my life. Whether playing or listening to music, I cannot remember a time when it was not present in my world. Unfortunately, the former has taken a back seat for many years. Now It is time to revisit that side, even if no one ever hears a single note.

There are fast cars. This is not a passion of mine, so I'll leave that to the folks who can afford to have a midlife crisis. I still have to grow up before I can have one of those.

There is reading. I'm doing this less frequently, these days. Juggling between three and five books at a time has become one or two. Even still, the time for reading is a rather elusive beast. I should clarify: The time to read for pleasure is elusive. Technically, I spend most of my days reading and researching for work, but my employer wouldn't take kindly to my scheduling tasks such as "Researching primal gods and forces" or "FTL drives and alien starfaring cultures."

Games. Oh do I enjoy games I'm a nerd. But lately, the thought has crossed my mind that perhaps I need to be more discerning about which games I play. The thought struck me while I was playing a game (Elite: Dangerous) that claims to have a 1:1 representation of the Milky Way. That's a lot of space. To date, I have put 390 hours into this game (you know, because I don't have time to read or play music). Somewhere around hour 388, I started to question what I was doing. There is no end-point. The game is absolutely beautiful, and I used to play it as a way to unwind from stressful days, or when the thoughts in my head simply would not stop. I'm not going to see every star or nebula, and software does have a finite life span. I'm doing a thing to do a thing, and not in a "climbing Everest" sort of way.

Making friends. This is a newfound passion, and one I'd like to continue. I was very content with a core group of people, and that core has expanded lately (well, minus one, but that's kind of why I'm assessing things) to include some amazing individuals - and there are many more I've yet to meet. People are more fascinating (to me) than flying some virtual space chariot from the same desk I use for work.

Exploring. I need to explore more. Reading through previous entries, I know I "rubber band" between states of utter solitude and never wanting to return to my home, but there's so much out there (to write like a 12-year old idealist) to see and be a part of. There are places which could use help (possibly even my brand of help), and there's a lot of fighting to be done to not let our country or species fall back from the progress it's already made.

Life. Living is a big passion of mine. I've had a very aggressively passive relationship with it in the past, but there is a bigger picture at play, now. I have a wife. We have a cat. We also have goals for owning a house, helping those we love, fighting for progress, and supporting our immediate and extended family. My appetite for self-destruction has gone by the wayside, over the years, despite keeping the profession of "writer." However (and this is the important part), living does not mean denying myself the things that I enjoy in the name of longevity. I see no point in living to a "ripe old age" if I'm existing solely on yoga, cardio exercise, and celery. Stoicism (as my late friend embraced) is not the answer. Denying pleasures does not make them more pleasurable. I live in a city full of Earthly Delights, and there is no reason to abstain from sampling what is available. This does not mean one should live fast, die young, and leave a pretty corpse. I'm not smoking ten cigars at a time, eating deep-fried steaks, and downing shots of tequila at a strip club while saying, "THIS is living! Gotta go sometime!" Which leads me to the next point, and it goes along with living.

Appreciation. It's not always about going for the gusto. It's appreciating the pleasures that present themselves, and the people who can share in those pleasures and adventures. I appreciate when my cat decides to take a nap with me. I appreciate going to the convenience store with Gwyn, because there's always something interesting at the store, or along the way. I love having conversations over dinner with my close friends and extended family, and I appreciate their passions. I always look forward to the spontaneous conversations with my brother, and my core group from back east. And while I have not necessarily lived a life devoid of regrets, I deeply appreciate the wonderful experiences that happened along the way, those which led me to this point, and the ones which are yet to come. Hell, I appreciate the feral cats who live a few blocks from me because I get the occasional slow blink. Appreciation could easily be a list that would go on forever with each passing year, but I'd never get anything done.

Learning to be better. I grew up in a very isolated area. Very few people in my age group "got out" of the loop which relegated people to working in family businesses, or resigning themselves to an ever-decreasing job market in a post-agrarian region, with nothing to fill the once-prominent industries. After traveling (not that traveling is ever over), and being exposed to different philosophies, that old punk mentality of challenging the status quo remains at the forefront. Not so much raging for the sake of raging, but looking more to how we can progress as a whole, and how I can become more open and understanding. It's an interesting dichotomy. Allowing myself to get angry while feeling overjoyed with victories - not necessarily at the expense of others, but in the hopes that the larger tapestry is more vibrant and complete.

In short, America is a land of many contrasts.

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