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Tuesday, November 03, 2009

The Halloween Party (2009 Edition)

This weekend, like many people, I attended a Halloween party. There was the usual fare of candy, cotton spider webs, dry ice creating a nice fog, and black solo cups sloshing with whatever unholy concoctions we made (because, let's face it, after a few drinks everyone is an expert mixologist).

We spent the days before running around the town like mad men to stock up on treats, party favors, prizes for contests (including a 17.5 oz. gummy snake with two heads), and alcohol for everyone. We have a Muslim friend, so mustering all the knowledge we had about the culture (meaning we all watched The 13th Warrior at least twice), we were able to find a nice bottle of mead, so that he wouldn't feel left out for not being able to imbibe "the fermentation of neither grain nor fruit." IT'S HONEY! What god forbids honey?

Once the clock struck 8p.m. people began to filter into the place, introducing themselves, drinking, showing off their costumes, and laughing at our jokes (one of those actions may be out of order, but finding us entertaining certainly came after drinking).

Then came the masterpiece: The Murder Mystery. We worked on this for a long time. The idea was that there are five people - the host (played by yours truly), the murderer, the detective, the medium, and the accomplice. The host's job was to lay down the rules of the game, and announce the victims as they were killed. The murderer had the rather eponymous job of getting people alone and killing them (and by that I mean sending them to me to have a glow bracelet placed on their wrists to distinguish them from the living). The medium would then be given two pieces of information about the murderer as clues to announce to the party. If anyone attending the party had an idea of who the murderer was, they were to seek out the detective (who was also trying to keep a low profile so as not to be discovered and murdered), and give her/him the clues so the fiend could be apprehended. The murderer also had an accomplice wandering around and giving out misinformation to people to lead their guesses astray. If the detective got killed, or two or more people died while someone was the detective, that person would be stripped of the title and someone else would be designated to catch the murderer.

This was a fun game (in theory) and everyone could participate. Participate they did. I learned a lot about personality types that night, specifically because of this event. For any single guys out there, if you ever want to peer into the mindset of a girl, let her participate in something like this before you set your heart on her being "the one." You'll see what I mean in a little bit.

We had the initial cast picked and we secluded them to explain their roles. The detective had been picked, the medium was fully confident in his role, the accomplice fully understood what she was supposed to do, and our murderer had been briefed on her part in this grand dance. They were off and The Great Murder Mystery of 2009 had begun!

Within five minutes, the first victim came to me for her bracelet. This was good! Five minutes later, the second victim, a girl dressed as a bee (but not in the Blind Melon's "No Rain" sense), approached me for a bracelet. I gave her the glowing mark of the dead and went out to see how the party was going.

I refilled my cup, made sure that music was playing, horror movies were playing in background, and that everyone was having a good time. Then I heard my name being called in a tone of slightly worried befuddlement. I turned to see Rorschach from The Watchmen making these wild exclamations  and beckoning me into a room. Seeing as how I knew his secret identity to be that of my brother, I followed to see what was the matter.

I rounded the corner and entered the room to see him surrounded by the recently deceased. Girl in generic black dress: dead. Our medium, the Saudi Oil Baron: dead. The detective: dead. Guy who was on the sofa and surrounded by people: dead. Other girl in generic black dress: dead. The guy dressed as the Grim Reaper: dead. This girl, who was not dressed as a black widow, but who I will now refer to as such, was too efficient as a murderer. She killed goddamned Death! How does that work?

I proceeded to adorn people with glow bracelets, and by the time I was done, I looked up to see most of the rest of the attendees waiting in line. I felt like some heavenly ticket puncher after the eruption of Mount Vesuvius. (See how I managed to avoid the obviously tasteless joke? No one gets choked up because their relatives, friends who were pilots, or people working in offices died in the smoke and rubble after the disaster at Pompeii.) 

After I got these poor victims braceleted (because we can turn anything into a verb these days), I went out to get a head (or rather, wrist) count to see who was still "alive." I was alive. My brother was alive. I didn't see anyone else without a bracelet, though. I think a few people showed up to the party while I was doing this and they died before they reached the top of the stairs.

I pulled Death aside (because he was helping to run this thing too) and asked him where the black widow was. All I got was a shrug. We had a mass murderer on the loose at our party and freaking Death didn't even know where the source of his revenue was!

I sought out Rorschach, who at this point had unmasked (because Rorschach with a red punch stain where his mouth should be just strays from the character), and asked him where Lady Deathstrike (also not her costume) was. Again, I got a shrug. Way to protect humanity there, Rorschach. You're not a member of The Obliviousmen.

I got desperate, and asked the girl dressed as Freddy Krueger (also not the murderer, and also not entirely looking like Freddy Krueger, but I was out of gasoline and matches), who I think was the accomplice, but also wearing a glow bracelet (either this was a tremendous ruse, posing as a corpse, or this killer truly had no remorse), and she told me that the black widow had left.

I rushed downstairs to see if she just popped outside for a cigarette (you know, something to relax and take the edge off after leaving no survivors or witnesses at a party that was a few minutes ago packed with living people), but all I saw were two women dressed as doctors (they're going to medical school - but seriously, this is Halloween! Put a little effort into your costume, as opposed to looking like you just got off of work every other night of the week!) who were bragging about how they didn't get killed. In their defense, I believe it took the black widow less time to kill everyone than it did to smoke an entire cancer stick, so it's not like they were really hiding out, so much as fortunate. In fact, our killer left the party and didn't return to the scene of the crime for the rest of the evening. Perhaps she got swept up in the moment and had to find another group of people to exact her bloodlust upon with astonishing efficiency.

I walked back inside to enjoy the company of the dead and grab another drink, when I started pondering the flaws of our little game. The first thing that came to mind was that, should we endeavor this sort of thing again, the murderer should be one of us, as to allow the deaths to be spaced out over the course of the party, as opposed to the "mow 'em all down" strategy our black widow used.

Halloween + Mass Murder = Hallowcaust (I couldn't let this entire post go without a tasteless joke.)

Then (and maybe it was my mind's way of telling me it was officially drowning in libations) I began to think more serious thoughts. What kind of mind does it take to pull off something like this? It's not like we invited Colonel Kurtz or Kim Jong-Il to the party. This was a young woman in another generic black costume (a cat maybe?  Or possibly someone going to a semi-formal affair?) who was more than ambitious and went far beyond what most people would expect from a killer in a room with potential witnesses everywhere.

I tried to rationalize it by thinking if I were a killer in a room full of people, I would probably not want to leave any witnesses alive, either. I would want to take out everyone I could and then leave (possibly after drinking my fill and getting sick on candy corn), satisfied with a job well done. This worked for me, but then I thought a little more, and realized I was reading too much into the pathology.

Then it finally hit me. This person was just dangerous, and possibly very crazy. Or just crazy. Think about it. She was very good at deceiving people to get them alone and then killing them with no clues in her wake. No one knew what she was going to do to them, and then BAM! Take a number, victim! Again, SHE KILLED DEATH INCARNATE!

Undoubtedly, she has people asking her out left and right because of her convincing and congenial manner, and while there's something to be said for having a sweet and efficient partner, there is also something to be said about a partner who can potentially annihilate everything in your world in a matter of minutes, leave a wake of destruction with no witnesses, and leave the scene of the crime smiling and happy that she got her bag of candy.

And that thing to be said is : Keep Away!

I would be singing the praises of the black widow and the event had she revealed to us that she was in fact a robot dressed as a human dressed in a black costume (?) to blend in and really kill us all. But that's why robot chicks are hot, and mass murdering crazies are scary.

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